Everyone remembers being in a social gathering and they felt this…aura, this energy oozing from a certain individual in the group. And it’s not just you, everyone around can feel it too. The way they carry themselves so effortlessly, and nonchalantly being a beacon of attention. They seem to just flow with the crowd. And you wonder how can someone be so charismatic. How can someone have so much social prowess while seeming unfazed by the weight of attention they are carrying.
Below, I share with you insights on what being a social butterfly is all about. This is not about becoming popular (although it’s a possible side-effect). It’s more about being socially aware and calibrated with the way you carry yourself in any social setting. We humans are more predisposed to horn this skill than any other creature. But it doesn’t always come naturally, it needs calibration. With no further ado, let’s jump into it:
1. Be carefree:
If you recall the previous picture we painted above, this is the one characteristic that makes social butterflies seem majestic. They are at ease and down to earth despite all the eyeballs staring at them. They seem to effortlessly flow in a pool of attention. And they can do that because they are not stuck-up in their heads wondering about how they look or how the other person is perceiving them. They are just letting themselves be. Thus, don’t be too self-conscious.
2. Be in the moment:
A perfect sequel to the previous point. The easiest way to not be too self-conscious is to just live in the present and enjoy yourself. If you focus only on what is happening right now, you’ve no time to think about how you’re being perceived. You are just living in the very moment.
3. Say what you mean:
When two people meet for the first time, there’s this urgency to “break the ice” as soon as possible. Or else they get sucked into the “forbidden void of awkward silence”. We all have been there. Usually in those times our trump card is to whip out some sleek punchline, right? That might work, but then what? what’s the next line? Best-case scenario, you project an image of yourself that isn’t actually true. And down the line, the truth pokes it’s ugly head out (like it always those). The person is going to see over the gimmicks and you’ll be left looking like a spiritual catfish lol.
You don’t have to be apprehensive about hiding behind gimmicks and one liners. The trick is to always catch yourself in the heat of the moment and just be you. That sounds corny, I know, but that will encourage the other person to be real too. And the faster you can catalyze this process, the better. It is going to be awkward at first, but just remember, this social thing is a team sport, so they’re feeling the same things you’re feeling too. But the more you put yourself out there, the better you’ll become at handling it. At the end of the day it’s a muscle that needs exercising. And this segues to the next point…
4. Don’t think, just approach:
This is a crucial point; our brains have a way of sabotaging us sometimes. Once the brain detects that you are in an “uncomfortable” situation, its objective is to take you out of it with whatever means/excuse necessary. This is that urge to stop when running, or that hesitation you feel when you want to approach somebody. Our brains aren’t evolved to make us strive, they are evolved to keep us safe.
So whenever a situation occurs where the sole purpose of safety isn’t challenged, our brain deems it a waste of energy/resources and starts looking for an exit. But we all know that what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. Thus whenever you are trying to do something, just act right there and then. Don’t give it a second thought, don’t give your brain a head-start. Because it will find an excuse to stop you in your tracks. So whenever you are in a social setting and see someone you deem interesting, don’t wait – just approach and introduce yourself.
5. First-impression Matter, present yourself as outgoing:
I know this may seem contradictory to what I have said earlier, but just bear with me. Have you heard of a psychological concept called commitment & Consistency bias?. It states that people are oddly consistent with their proclaimed values and self-image. We have an instinctual desire to remain consistent with our prior actions and beliefs.
Let say for instance, you went to an event where you first met your friend “Drake”. That night you saw Drake giving a speech on stage and having a blast with everybody all night long. So you think, “hmm, Drake’s a social butterfly”. This becomes ingrained in your brain that Drake is an outgoing person. And even when later you find out that Drake is actually an introvert who prefers being in his own company majority of the time, you’ll still find it difficult to scratch out that first impression you got of him. Because your brain has already placed him in a box based on the first impression.
This is a human fallacy that we all have. But, we can use it to our advantage. Make a habit of carrying yourself as an outgoing person every time you meet people, that’s how they will tend to view you (off of your first impressions). And on the flip side, once you present yourself as outgoing to someone, that’s how your brain will subconsciously tend to “act” when you are around that person (to stay consistent). Thus, it works both ways. And in no time it will become a self proclaiming prophecy that, thats just the kind of person you are.
Now this is different from what I cautioned against earlier. You are not trying to pull out cheap tricks every time you are engaging with people. Here you are actually making a conscious decision to mould your identity i.e. the energy you want to project i.e. how people perceive you. I know it sounds like a “fake it till I make it” type of dilemma, but a wiseman once said, ” It is easier to act your way into a new way of thinking, than to think your way into a new way of acting”.
6. Remember their name:
There’s no sound in the whole wide world sweeter to a person’s ears, than the sound of their own name. You have to become great at remembering people’s names. In the world we live in today, once somebody notices that you are genuinely paying attention to them (even by just making an effort to remember and pronounce their names correctly) they will remember you in good light.
So a trick that you can implement here is once they tell you their name, make it an objective to mention it about 3 times in the first 3 mins of your meeting. That will help your brain get accustomed to saying their name. Another trick is to make up association with the name. So try to connect the name to something that sounds similar or that invokes a certain image from your mind. Or it could be something they said during the convo and you tie it to them like a nickname.
7. Be interested in them:
If you are to take just one point out of all we’ve discussed, then take this one. Becoming charimatic and socially outgoing is not about using cheap tricks to sway people into giving you “social proof”. It’s about genuinely becoming interested in people, becoming curious about the people you associate with.
You have to actually be open to understanding them. It’s not about you, but rather, they are the ones on the lime light. Moreover, this is a double-aged sword; once you genuinely express interest in somebody, they also become interested and curious about you. So if you have to take any point home, this one is a home-run. As Jordan Peterson once said, “assume that the person you are talking to, knows something you don’t”. Be interested and invested. Actually listen and be curious in the person in front of you.
So there you have it, some deep insights that can help you in becoming more socially articulate and aware; a social-skill that is undermined in our social-world of limitless potential.
One last thought, becoming a Social butterfly is not about becoming an attention seeker or people’s pleaser. It’s about being socially competent when it comes to relating with others. Because being a good conversationalist gives you a peculiar tier of understanding and insight. It allows you to have a deeper understanding of the people you interact. And it makes it alot easier for people to connect with you and from there it’s just good vibes and mutual rapport ๐ฏ.